How To Comfort
Daily Old Testament Reading: Job 15-17
Daily Focus Passage: Job 16
The last several weeks and months have brought moments of watching people I care about lose individuals they love, face diagnoses that shatter, and walk-through various moments of grief, pain, and suffering. Each of these moments produces different responses and often presses us to ask God why something occurred and pushes us to seek support from somewhere. As I read through Job, I find that Job endures his struggle and the unhelpful attempt to comfort his friends. In Job 16, he laments that his friends appear to cause him more pain in their attempt to comfort him instead of encouragement. Thus, I am left to ask how we should approach comforting others.
HOW NOT TO COMFORT
The ability to engage in moments of difficulty causes people an unsettledness. Often we feel a sense not knowing what we should say to people to offer comfort. As a result, we tend to vocalize non-comforting words with the intent of comfort. However, we must guard against stating that we know how they feel. The reality is that we do not genuinely know how the other person feels. Yes, we may understand the experience of losing a loved one or facing difficult news. Still, we do not know every dynamic at play that causes the emotional responses the person experiences.
Like we must not state that we know how they feel, we must not tell them how they must feel. When we attempt to control someone else’s emotions, we unintentionally imply that their emotions and feelings are not real. As a result, we make them feel guilty for experiencing grief and pain. Since we are not walking in their shoes, we do not have the right to control their emotions or tell them to adjust their feelings.
In an attempt to comfort others, we must not delegitimize their emotions. How they feel and what they experience is real. When we attempt to delegitimize their feelings or question the severity of the dynamics, we declare that their responses do not matter. We act as if they are overblowing the moments and just need to get over it. When emotions are delegitimized, we are responding without genuine compassion.
HOW TO COMFORT
The previous section mentioned three “do nots” when attempting to comfort. Job discussed just how the presence of such actions does not bring comfort but causes greater pain. Finally, Job responds to his friends’ terrible attempt at comfort with some truths about how genuine comfort should occur. Here are several important reminders on extending comfort.
First, remember the power of presence. People facing grief experience great comfort through the presence of people. These individuals do not need empty words, but when people show up, then comfort occurs because of silent support. The power of presence occurs as one demonstrates genuine compassion and care by being available. Thus, we must remember that comfort happens with the power of presence.
Second, seek to support. The ability to support others occurs with presence but continues when one seeks avenues to support others through their journey. When we support others, we may find a way to carry out a task that needs to be accomplished or just provide a momentary reprieve from responsibility with a random meal. Comfort occurs when we seek support because we set out to lessen the load of the other.
Third, attempt to encourage. We must use our words to encourage people in pain. The intent of encouragement centers on the desire to build others up instead of destroying them. As we seek to comfort, we acknowledge their pain and offer hope. We help them walk through the darkest valleys by reminding them of the glorious peaks. In comfort, we become workers of construction and not deconstruction.
Fourth, prepare with prayer. We must seek the Lord to provide us with the needed resources to comfort others. The Lord is the source of genuine comfort, and our ability to support others flow from his working in us. Thus, as agents of comfort, we must seek the Lord for guidance, compassion, and strength. Finally, we must pray to be used by the Lord and to represent his kingdom well.
I do not know the pain, grief, or struggle you face today. I do not know of the hopeless feelings you may be battling. What I do know is that your feelings and struggles are real. My prayer for those hurting today is that you will experience the comfort of the Lord through a person serving the Lord as an agent of comfort by offering you their presence, support, and encouragement. Maybe today you know someone in this valley of pain. Ask the Lord to reveal how you can serve him as an agent of his kingdom in extending comfort. Job knew the pain of bad comfort and reminded us of the need to comfort well.
